I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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