Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
