Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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