Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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