i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
