you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
