By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
