I just pynch a tree in the face
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
