My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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