right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Maybe he injected his testicle?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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