Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
