I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just found puke in my bra..
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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