Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
