fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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