WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
