i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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