everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
