My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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