It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she smelled like a LAN party
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
