i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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