I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
