She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We have started to decorate penises.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
