Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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