At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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