Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
