Jerry, you need to find god
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
