I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
