sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
