I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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