Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
