So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
