i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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