I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
