When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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