Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
