Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
