I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
