my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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