3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
