You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Randomize
