I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
