ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
