The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Pants are for mortals
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
