My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
