hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
