So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
