she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
