remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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