If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
