shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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