OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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